ORIGINAL HIPSTER

Here’s the thing: I am willing to put my miniscule reputation on the line by confessing to being uncool. Why? Because I think people should be honest about how they really think and feel. Lists are great. Full on shameless self-disclosure is great. You should like this post, just as I should like these artists’ music. Except I don’t.

These are listed by degrees of offensiveness, from least to most offensive.

10. Animal Collective

Why: I’m all for electronic music. But at least make it complicated or melodic or aesthetically pleasing. Beeps and boops and static and simple melodies get a great big yawn from me.

9. The Shins

Why: In addition to not enjoying music that’s simplistic and takes itself too seriously, I can’t stand Zach Braff, and I will forever associate him with The Shins and with Garden State, a movie I found depressing.

8. Death Cab for Cutie

Why: The name alone is a turnoff. What the fuck does that even mean? There are worse names out there…but not many.

7. The Decemberists

Why: Couldn’t really tell ya. I just don’t like ‘em. Low-key, subdued music almost always fails to interest me. I guess I don’t really do musical subtlety.

6. Vampire Weekend

Why: I don’t give a damn about an Oxford comma.

5. Tegan and Sara

Why: Twin lesbians don’t get me excited. And neither do their bland vocals.

4. Arcade Fire

Why: More instruments do not a better band make. Not necessarily, anyway. Strings and rock music sometimes go well together (example: Muse’s new album The Resistance). Other times, even a good violin can’t get me jazzed about a dull song.

3. The Smiths/Morrissey

Why: Melancholy. It’s not bad music. I really WANT to like it. But I can barely handle The Cure. So of course The Smiths and Morrissey’s solo stuff are too emotionally draining for my already marginal stability.

2. Radiohead

Why: Don’t really care for Thom Yorke’s voice. Exception: “Creep”

1. The Beatles

Why: Simple, predictable chord progressions. Posh British accents which I can’t find rebellious and rockin’ despite how revolutionary this band supposedly was. Upbeat lyrics that I can’t relate to. “Imagine” is a good song, but that’s from a John Lennon solo album. I am a fan of Ringo Starr, though, but that’s another story.

I know I am not alone in some of these opinions. It simply isn’t possible that everyone else in the world likes each and everyone of these bands. The question is: will you be bold enough to admit it? To publicly own up to it–or to declare that some other “hip” band is not to your liking? If so, do it here. Tell me what you hate. Embrace the individuality of your own tastes.