ORIGINAL HIPSTER

Notice I say “favorite.” I’m not claiming that they’re earth-shatteringly good; few–if any–Christmas albums are, after all. These are the ones I can listen to without wanting a stiff, brandy-spiked eggnog to get me to the end of the record. Not that these albums wouldn’t be improved if listened to with a stiff, brandy-spiked eggnog firmly in hand. A beverage like that can make any experience twice as enjoyable. Unless you’re lactose intolerant, in which case, for you, there’s this wonderful product.

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Amy Grant – Home for Christmas

This might actually be Amy Grant’s best album ever. Her deep, folksy voice is well-suited to the acoustic accompaniments. The best track is the last one (“Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring”), which is completely instrumental and features the London Studio Orchestra and some fierce violin soloing by Mark O’Connor.

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Michael W. Smith – Christmastime

On this album, it sounds as though Smith took a cue from Grant’s Home for Christmas (above) and delivered his own, similarly-balanced blend of spiritual, traditional, and original songs. The fifth track is a standout: with “Hope of Israel,” Smith creates a haunting, minor-key piano melody that opens into a full orchestral arrangement. Truly beautiful.

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Various Artists – Holiday Songs for Snow and Mistletoe

And you thought this was going to be all Christian artists, didn’t you? Nay. And verily I say unto thee, Old Navy hath more than affordable fleece. They’ve also ventured into the secular holiday mix CD market. This particular one (shown at left) is my favorite. It cost less than $10 when I bought it about eight years ago, and it includes classic songs by great jazz artists (Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Lou Rawls). There’s only one undeniably annoying song on the record: “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” by Johnny Mercer and Margaret Whiting. I’ve always found that song to be kind of sexist, and Margaret Whiting doesn’t help things by sounding like a naive idiot. But apart from that song, the album is quite listenable.

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Savatage – Dead Winter Dead

This is the album that started it all: my borderline-tasteless Savatage addiction. But you really should give this album a chance. Just try to forget about the overplayed radio hit “Christmas Eve (Sarajevo 12/24),” usually credited to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra (i.e. Savatage’s eventual, unfortunate incarnation as a touring extravaganza of perpetual Christmas). And try to forget that the band’s sound was outdated, even in 1995 when the record was released. If you can forget all those things and listen with an unbiased mind (I know; it’s hard), you may find yourself head-banging your way through the holidays.

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Mitch Miller and The Gang – Holiday Sing-Along with Mitch Miller

You may have been thinking that this list wouldn’t get any worse than 90s metal that sounded like it belonged in the 80s. But guess what? It’s worse. Oh, it’s much, much worse. I declare with pride and pleasure that this is my favorite Christmas album of all time. This opinion is due in part to the fact that I have fond memories associated with it (my parents have it on cassette tape), but it’s also because this collection has just about every jolly, non-religious Christmas classic imaginable–and an elfin-sounding backup chorus, to boot. This is truly one of those love-it-or-hate-it recordings. Either the accordions and the vocals by “The Gang” (which sounds an awful lot like Mitch, Mitch, and more Mitch) will drive you up the wall, or you will learn all the words by heart. You will listen to it as you decorate your tree. You will insist on subjecting your family to it as you all open presents on Christmas morning each year. You will not care that many people consider the music intolerable…because it just wouldn’t feel like Christmas without it.