ORIGINAL HIPSTER

I am changing the purpose of this blog. It’s not just a music blog anymore. It’s whatever I want it to be. And right now I want it to be about how very unemployed and broke I am.

The number of jobs I’ve applied to since December 30 is now 85. The number of interviews I’ve gotten is 2. The number of jobs I’ve gotten is 0.

The amount of money in my checking account is $5.38. The amount of cash in my wallet is $17. The amount of money in my savings account is $0. The number of credit cards I have is 0.

The number of emails I’ve received from my parents in the last 24 hours is 3. The first was something about how Obama is ruining everything with the health care proposal. The second was a response to an email I had sent about an article in the New York Times that said that women have to communicate differently in the workplace than men do. My dad said the article was wrong and sexist. The third email was about how my parents are not going to give me any money–even though I hadn’t asked for any. It also said that if I attended Bible study, God would bless me more.

What I’m thinking about now: what can I sell? Should I pawn the guitar and amp given to me on an extended loan by one of my friends? (No, I really shouldn’t do that.) Will my cats get sick if I buy them cheep food with some of the remaining $17 in my wallet? When will the websites I’ve written freelance assignments for actually pay me?

How long does it take to get hired at Starbucks? I applied to five stores yesterday.

What the FUCK am I going to do in about four days when I run out of Zoloft???

How soon can the government get my tax refund to me if I do my taxes tomorrow? Will the MTA refund the money left on the metro card I lost, and, if so, how soon, if I call them tomorrow?

Will my cell phone get turned off? What will my roommate do if/when I can’t pay my share of the bills? My share of April’s rent?

FUCK!!!

Shameless online panhandling: Do you feel my pain? Have you ever read and enjoyed this blog before? If the answer to one or both of these questions is yes, please consider donating $1 to the “tip jar” located at the bottom of the right hand column. (You may have to scroll down some to find it.) Thanks.

Hello to all of you twelve people who are reading this blog when I don’t update it–and to the one mystery person who reads it when I do update. (I think I know who you are, mystery person. You rock.)

On January 26, the Ozzman cameth to the Borders in Columbus Circle. Here’s what it looked like.

Here is the full transcript of my conversation with Ozzy:

Me: Hello, Mr. Ozzy.

Ozzy: (looks up from my book that he is signing) ‘Ello. (Smiles) Where’re you from?

Me: Houston…?

Ozzy: Wha?

Me: Houston, Texas.

Ozzy: (smile fades into frown) Aow. (goes back to signing book)

The End.

It made my day. What also made my day is the Black Sabbath mix that @DoctorNerve burned for me. Why have I waited until now to get into such awesome songs? I’ll tell you why: residual fear and guilt from my Southern Baptist upbringing. Luckily, in his new autobiography, Ozzy explains that Sabbath never had any intention of associating themsevles with Satanists. In fact, he talks about avoiding them when they stalked him at hotels. So, that’s good news for me because it means I can listen to lyrics like “My name is Lucifer, please take my hand” and think, “Oh, he’s just joking, haha.” Guilt absolved.

(Says quick prayer of spiritual protection. Thank you, God.)

(No, really. I do still say prayers of spiritual protection. They are comforting, and they work.)

Amen.

Incidentally, the book (I Am Ozzy) is fucking hilarious. Who knows how much of it the Ozzman actually wrote himself; I wouldn’t be surprised if Sharon was his ghostwriter for much of it. But it’s an entertaining read. I recommend it.

See all the rankings here.

If I’d heard the Mastodon and Gossip albums earlier, my votes might have been slightly different. But here’s a hip hip hooray for the 15 people besides me who awarded points to The Black Crowes: “Hip, hip, hooray!”

Amazing how unemployment brings out one’s penchant for wasting time creatively. Now you, too, can hear the new little ditty I’ve composed. Yippee!

http://www.mediafire.com/?n52zmdojjeq

I’m reading through all the Best of 2009 lists on Lala.com; the lists are compiled by publications and websites like Spin, Paste, PopMatters, etc. And I haven’t heard of more than half of these bands. And something tells me that if I were to listen to all these albums, most of them would be the mansy-pansy easy listening shit that calls itself indie rock nowadays. Somebody correct me if I’m wrong.

The one diamond in the rough I found that I seem to have missed in 2009 is Crack the Skye, by Mastodon. Three cheers once again for metal bands from Georgia. After hearing a couple minutes of the first track, I was sold. I downloaded the whole album, and so far it’s pretty great. I can usually tell by sampling a fraction of an album whether or not I’m going to like it. Some people would call this jumping to conclusions. I say, I know what I like, and I know when I hear it.

Is the problem with me? Is it my ADHD need for extreme stimulation that causes me to have a hard time appreciating low-fi tunes by Grizzly Bear or Morse code loops arranged into hippie-dippy trips by Animal Collective? I couldn’t care less about music like that. I’ll take classical music or opera–both of which I love–over Tegan and Sara any day of the week. I want to hear passion in my music. Bring on the aggression.

I hate arriving late to the party. But, better late than never. Three days ago, Stereogum revealed a new mp3 by White Hinterland. The electronic sound of “Icarus” is completely different from the band’s debut Phylactory Factory and subsequent EP Lumiculaire. I just hope that on the upcoming album, Kairos (release date March 9), Casey Dienel doesn’t skimp on the piano work. She’s such a great pianist; it would be a shame for the new album not to have a few songs that are more piano-driven.

Click here to hear “Icarus.”

This post has been inspired by @DoctorNerve, who posted a “Josie and the Pussycats” video today on facebook and Twitter. It got me thinking…some of those cartoon theme songs from the 80s were pretty darn catchy, weren’t they? So, I’ve decided to take a walk down an animated memory lane, which is basically the virtual yellow brick road that winds through YouTube and ends in a city of people with way too much time on their hands.

She-ra

Ok, so the song isn’t all that complicated (or catchy, for that matter), but this was probably many a young girl’s first exposure to something resembling feminism. Or woman-power, or what have you. On the one hand, it’s kind of too-obviously p.c. to give He-man a twin sister; and, clearly, she’s intended to rope in the female-child demographic (probably the sisters of boys who watched He-man). But, on the other hand, She-ra is a strong female role model, which is never a bad thing.

(Come to think of it, maybe this explains the origins of some of my more competitive, aggressive tendencies. I did have a She-ra action figure that I was kind of obsessed with. And my parents refused to buy me any accompanying paraphernalia, like the horse She-ra rode around on. I guess they were afraid of creating a little feminist monster…Too late.)

Popples

By my recollection, this cartoon came on way too early on Saturday mornings. We’re talking like 5:00 a.m. or something. I can remember getting up before the sun had risen and running into the living room in hopes of catching “Popples.” I was so young that I didn’t even know how to figure out what time it was. Once or twice my parents had to tell me to go back to bed because it was still the middle of the night. I just didn’t want to miss that opening song…

…What the heck is a popple, anyway? Part rabbit, part kangaroo? Who comes up with this trippy sh*t? How did they know it would capture the imaginations of youngsters everywhere (for a limited time)? You’ve got to wonder why some things catch on at all.

Gummi Bears

Now we’re getting into the really memorable stuff. This is a get-stuck-in-your-head song if I ever heard one.

(Does anyone else find it disturbing that the Gummi Bears ate “Gummi Bear-y juice”? Or is it “Gummi berry juice”? Both versions sound kind of raunchy, but the first one in particular seems to allude to cannibalism.)

Fraggle Rock

Get ready to rock. “Fraggle Rock” isn’t a cartoon, but it has one badass theme song. Check out the vocal harmonies.

(I’d also like to add that I feel a certain kinship with these muppets, as I’ve been told on more than one occasion that my hair, when unkempt, resembles that of a Fraggle. Specifically, Wembley the Fraggle.)

Heathcliff

This theme song embodies all that was simultaneously right and wrong about the 80s. Listening to it will make you feel happy, bouncy; you might want to sing along. But maybe you stop short from breaking into a full-on belt because you realize that the girlfriend cat of Riff Raff (an alter-ego version of the title character whose exact location in Heathcliff’s psyche and/or real world adventures I never could pinpoint. I mean, Riff Raff and Heathcliff never fought each other, did they? It would have been very Fight Club.)…that the girlfriend cat of Riff Raff is wearing natural fur leg warmers, and she sort of has a pompadour mullet. That’ll jerk you back into the 21st century faster than you can say “cat scratch fever.”

By the way, according to Wikipedia, there were two versions of this theme song.

Jem

Jem was cool personified (in a cartoon). She had pink hair. She was in an all-girls rock band. She was the high-tech hologram persona of music store owner Jerrica Benton. It was all very cutting-edge. The one problem with Jem was that her doll likeness created by Hasbro was of Amazonian proportions. Compared to Barbie, Jem looked about 8 ft. tall, and her wrists rotated eerily around in their sockets. The better to hold a microphone with, I guess.

So, I’m homesick. And I ask myself, how could this happen? I spent my whole life trying to get out of Texas, and now that I’ve been in New York for a year and a half, there are so many things I’ve begun to appreciate about home. Especially on a day like today when the wind chill factor of approximately 2 degrees keeps me avoiding the outdoors like the plague. So, here I sit. In a money pit of a classy apartment that I’ve got to get out of before the month is out because I can’t afford it. You might start getting posts from me out of Williamsburg in the near future. I still won’t be wearing skinny jeans, though. Skinny jeans make me look like a grasshopper.

Anyway, as a result of this feeling of Southern nostalgia, I have assembled a playlist of Southern bands/artists I happen to like. You’re going to have to click the “Pop Out Player” button because this $%#&ing WordPress blog won’t post the entire playlist on this page. So, disable your popup blockers. Sorry about that. I’m working on it…

Congratulations, everyone! You’ve made it to the end of 2009!

In the spirit of year-end lists, I have created the OH Awards, which I will now present via blog to those individuals who I believe to be most deserving.

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Award: Child Exploitation? Just Cute? Or, Is That a Computer-Generated Voice I Hear?
Winner: Cleopatra Stratan

x

Award: Wish They Hadn’t Done That
Winner: Trans-Siberian Orchestra 2009 Tour

(Read my review of this disaster here.)

x

Award: Who the Heck Are You, And What Planet Are You From?
Winner: Lady GaGa

x

Award: Star in the Making
Winner: Baby Cory

x

Award: Best Concert
Winner: Lou Reed’s Metal Machine Trio at the Blender Theater, NYC

x

Award: Favorite New Discovery
Winner: The Renaldo The Ensemble

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Award: Best Mash-Up of Two Dumb Outbursts
Winner: Kanye West Interrupts Obama

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Award: Please! Make It Stop!
Winner: Miley Cyrus at the Teen Choice Awards

x

Award: This Is So Much Better Than Lady GaGa–Why Isn’t This Band More Famous?
Winner: Gossip – “Dimestore Diamond”

x

Award: We’ll Never Forget You
Winner: Michael Jackson

Here’s Michael with another legend who died too young…